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When a French queen said “let them eat cake” do you think she meant that as in a cake or was she suggesting she wasn’t getting enough loving down below? I like to think it was the later, but we’re talking about bread cake today, not kitty cake. This is a great beginner’s recipe and I’m going to help you cheat.

First, homemade frosting is great but one thing at a time, let’s start with just making a cake. Buy some premade icing from the store for your first few goes so that you can focus on the cake itself. This is a simple recipe that takes less than an hour from start to finish and half that time you can spend reading. You can get this made just before a certain someone gets over to your place and acts all casual while hoping the way to someone’s genitals really is through their stomach.

Stuff you will need: an oven, a saucepan, two cake pans, a cooling rack (optional), grease or something to keep the cake from sticking to the pan, butter, milk, salt, baking powder, all-purpose flour, eggs, sugar, vanilla extract, almond extract, vegetable oil, bowls, whisk or mixer, spatula and toothpicks.

Ingredients & Method:

  • 2 cups (240g) unbleached all-purpose flour – if you don’t already have flour you can buy various size bags. If you are going to bake regularly buy a huge ass glass jar to store it in.  When transferring from bag to jar be careful or it will look like you are partying with Pablo Escobar.
  • 1 1/4 teaspoons salt, no more, no less 
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder – if you have some already check the date – the dates aren’t just for show

Take these three and mix them in a bowl, then set them aside like the emotional trauma in your life. Like the trauma, you will return to them.

Now, ask yourself, do you have a mixer? You don’t need a big stand mixer, you can use a hand one. If you’ve played with yourself enough you should have plenty of arm strength for this. Yeah, don’t lie, we all do. If you are going to be baking regularly, invest in a stand mixer. It doesn’t have to be a fancy one. Using a stand mixer at low speed for a few minutes at each step is enough. Use a whisk or a whisk mixer attachment and toss this stuff in:

  • 4 large eggs – this is where recipes always say the eggs should be at room temperature, honestly unless your fridge is set to arctic temperatures it isn’t that big a deal but put them out in advance if you can. If you don’t know how cold they are rub them against your nipples. It won’t actually give you a guideline for measurement but it will be fun.
  • 2 cups (397g) granulated sugar
  • 2 tablespoons (28g) vanilla extract – recipes will usually say 1 tablespoon but this isn’t communist Russia, go for flavour and don’t go cheap on the vanilla – trust me the really cheap imitation stuff tastes very different from the good stuff 
  • 1 tablespoon (14g) almond extract – a secondary flavour really helps make it pop. 

Beat this until it’s a nice thick consistency, a dark golden brown colour.  When you raise the whisk it should drip off in thick smooth strands. 

Now, get out a small saucepan.  Don’t use a microwave, attempt to have some standards. Heat up the milk, not to boiling but just shy of that. 

  • 1 cup (227g) milk – I usually use whole milk because I reliably have it around but if you want it extra creamy you can use buttermilk 
  • 4 tablespoons (57g) butter – cut it up into 4 – 6 pieces just to make the melting easier 
  • 1/3 cup (67g) vegetable oil

Heat it up slowly and feed in the butter to melt it. Then add the vegetable oil. 

You now should have three sets of things – stuff in a mixing bowl, a bowl of dry ingredients (the dry stuff) and a saucepan of wet stuff. Slowly add the dry ingredients to the mixing bowl while mixing. A stand mixer makes this super easy because it can run on slow while adding. Otherwise a second set of hands can help. Basically hold the dry stuff up and tap the bottom to slowly add it so that you are adding it in just a little at a time. Tap it like a playful tap on someone’s ass. Then slowly add the wet stuff in. Sometimes you have to bake wet stuff to get wet stuff folks.

Scrap around the bowl with a spatula just to make sure nothing clumps on the sides.

Grab two round pans. They need to be at least two inches deep but more is fine. If you have to buy pans you can get spring-loaded pans. These make it easy to remove from the sides of the cakes after they bake but if you don’t seal up the bottoms well they will leak in the oven. Coat the pans with something to keep the batter from sticking – you can use grease or a spray on product bought at your local market. Divide the mix between the pans and toss them in the oven.

The oven should be set to 325°F / 162°C and let it go for 25 minutes. Test with a toothpick – if you put the toothpick in and pull it out of the cake and it’s clean – you’re good. If stuff sticks to it, let it go for a few more minutes. This is very different from other kinds of pulling out which I don’t recommend.

If the cakes don’t come out from the pans easily you can use a thin knife around the edges to separate them from the sides. One out, a cooling rack is useful but not critical. Once no longer hot you can decorate. The one here I made a simple chocolate fudge frosting for and decorated it with coconut flakes but you could put strawberries on, use different icings, do all kinds of things. 

And if you have a little frosting left over – it works on things other than cake too.

Serve and enjoy.


The door to Leto's quarters. You can see his face through the round ship's window.

Leto Armitage was born in America under a set of circumstances that prophesied that he would one day unite the lost tribes and return the Ever Summer. Somewhere around twelve, he realized he had been left unsupervised and binged too many Arthurian movies in his formative years and that he was just another kid who accidentally got an education while reading above his age level.

By the time he turned old enough to get a passport, he started finding excuses to travel determined to find out what culture, food and women there were to experience. After learning to grill in Oaxaca, do kinbaku in Japan, and being banned from several former Soviet block countries, he returned home to settle down and see what damage he could do locally.

After working jobs including being a short order cook, bodyguarding strippers and professionally doing reader’s advisory for erotica he realized the most reasonable path forward was to become a writer. Today he lives with cats, dogs, and humans who seem to like him despite actually knowing him. He prefers to sit on his back deck, listening to the birds and Barry the Bumblebear bee, while he writes cozy, uplit romance and raunchy erotica.


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