LET’S COOK: PICKLED TERIYAKI EGGS

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I know what you’re thinking – what the fuck Leto? Who the hell asked about teriyaki eggs? Calm yer tits and keep yer man eggs warm, mate. Eggs are awesome from scrambled to hard-boiled with relish or fish roe.

And these days I see people talking about eggs on Tiktok. First, let’s say you watch Japanese food videos – yes they can put raw eggs in food, and raw eggs in the broth of noodles is magic. However, they also have a far shorter time for eggs from farm to table. So, Americans – don’t do it. Other countries – be careful. Those like me with a pet chicken laying eggs – feel superior and enjoy.

Yes, I’m bragging.

But marinated teriyaki eggs are like a woman’s ass – sometimes it is the perfect snack, sometimes it’s part of a larger meal. So whether you’re adding them to ramen, eating them with rice or making a stand-alone snack – let’s make a teriyaki bum… eh, egg. Sorry, it is hard to let some thoughts go.

Now, everyone should have learned how to boil eggs along with walking and masturbating, but it has become apparent to me that many have not. Take a pot of water, put it in a burner and turn it up hot until you get bubbles forming on the surface of said water for the boil. Depending on how hot your burner runs, adjust the heat as needed to maintain a nice steady boil, but don’t panic. You’re not going to ruin the eggs. You may cook them closer to hard-boiled, but they will still be perfectly edible.

Lower the eggs into the boiling water with a spoon so as not to crack them. If you do, egg mass will escape the crack as they boil like a little pale gremlin shooting thick runny white stuff… well, you get the idea.

How long do you leave eggs in for? It depends on how runny you want the yolk to be. As a rule of thumb, 4-7 minutes for soft yolks and 7-12 minutes for hard. At seven minutes you should have nice soft-boiled eggs. Contrary to what some food snobs will say, you do not have to soft-boil the egg for ramen and for some purposes hard-boiled eggs are definitely better.

After the cooking, immediately move the eggs to a bowl of ice water. Let them sit completely submerged in the water until they are cool – about three minutes. Take them out one at a time. The shell should now have moved away from the film, or membrane, that connects it to the egg’s flesh. Take the eggs and gently crack them all over against a hard service. Slowly take the shell off. A mistake at this stage could ruin a soft-boiled egg and make a hard-boiled egg a bit less pretty. Hard-boiled eggs are also easier to peel.

If I’m not being clear – start with hard-boiled eggs if you don’t have experience.

Now, I’m going to simplify things for you a bit more. I’ve previously told you how to make teriyaki sauce – soy sauce, mirin and brown sugar to taste, and maybe adding other elements to taste too. I’ve always done this on a stove in a saucepan, but recently discovered you don’t have to!

Just take a zip lock bag, combine and let sit. The purpose of using a stove is to melt the brown sugar, but it dissolves quite well in the bag and needs no heat. However – do remember in taste testing that you won’t really know if you need to add more of something until the sugar dissolves.

Whether you make the teriyaki sauce on the stove or in a bag. [Or buy it inna shop, Sir! //pet] Put your boiled eggs in the sauce and let them soak for a day and then enjoy!

But don’t let this be the end – you can experiment with all kinds of things for this wonderful snack. And you will need to know how to do this, because it is a component of my next newsletter – the mid-coital snack tray.

THE BEAR & WENCH KITCHEN

Leto Armitage was born in America under a set of circumstances that prophesied that he would one day unite the lost tribes and return the Ever Summer. Somewhere around twelve, he realized he had been left unsupervised and binged too many Arthurian movies in his formative years and that he was just another kid who accidentally got an education while reading above his age level.

By the time he turned old enough to get a passport, he started finding excuses to travel determined to find out what culture, food and women there were to experience. After learning to grill in Oaxaca, do kinbaku in Japan, and being banned from several former Soviet block countries, he returned home to settle down and see what damage he could do locally.

After working jobs including being a short order cook, bodyguarding strippers and professionally doing reader’s advisory for erotica he realized the most reasonable path forward was to become a writer. Today he lives with cats, dogs, and humans who seem to like him despite actually knowing him. He prefers to sit on his back deck, listening to the birds and Barry the Bumblebear bee, while he writes cozy, uplit romance and raunchy erotica.