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Sometimes you find yourself naked in the backyard next to a chicken while watching TikToks. Look, it was hot and she needs to get used to people. It wasn’t weird. Anyway, this video came on and it gave me an idea: to copy it. Let’s make an onigiri-style sandwich using rice as bread and bind it in a sheet of sushi nori.
But what should we use for our protein? What would be odd to put into a Japanese sandwich? Let’s do Spam! I know some people hate Spam and say it’s gross. They also eat hot dogs. Besides, it helped a generation punch Nazis and that’s good enough for me.
I sliced the Spam edges off and marinated it in teriyaki sauce because nothing says authentic Japanese like teriyaki Spam. Now, fry it up.
Next, go outside and gather eggs, realize the chicken isn’t laying eggs yet, go back inside and get an egg out of the fridge. Now, cook that fertilized miniature dinosaur embryo to prove your evolutionary superiority. If you have a cool Japanese omelette pan like me – use it.
Finally, sandwich the egg and spam with a bit of fresh rice. Layer all this on a sheet of sushi nori and fold it up. Ideally, do it more elegantly than I did, but where I fail at elegance I make up for it in flavor.
ABOUT LETO ARMITAGE
Leto Armitage was born in America under a set of circumstances that prophesied that he would one day unite the lost tribes and return the Ever Summer. Somewhere around twelve, he realized he had been left unsupervised and binged too many Arthurian movies in his formative years and that he was just another kid who accidentally got an education while reading above his age level.
By the time he turned old enough to get a passport, he started finding excuses to travel determined to find out what culture, food and women there were to experience. After learning to grill in Oaxaca, do kinbaku in Japan, and being banned from several former Soviet block countries, he returned home to settle down and see what damage he could do locally.
After working jobs including being a short order cook, bodyguarding strippers and professionally doing reader’s advisory for erotica he realized the most reasonable path forward was to become a writer. Today he lives with cats, dogs, and humans who seem to like him despite actually knowing him. He prefers to sit on his back deck, listening to the birds and Barry the Bumblebear bee, while he writes cozy, uplit romance and raunchy erotica.